Gabriel Arthur Petrie (eyenot) wrote in comedians,
Gabriel Arthur Petrie
eyenot
comedians

This is a Fancy Restaurant

A good idea (or investment) is a restaurant wherein tiny microphones at all of the tables pick up all of the diners' personal and private conversations (and eating and gastric noises) and rebroadcast them through a loudspeaker system to all other diners in the restaurant. The noise could also be "webcast" to millions of computers around the world. Patrons will have to sign a waiver to the extent that they will not take offense to what is spoken or broadcast. Sometimes the waiters should stand near (or at) the tables and stare at the diners (but not interrupt their conversation) and, if asked what they are looking at (or told that "there won't be anything else") they will simply state "I am your waiter." And if the diners offer them money or a tip (as diners for standing waiters are oft wont to do) the waiter should drop the money lethargically on the floor and state "I don't want your money," and leave with a sound of disgust. When asked for "service" the waiters should reply "we have no 'service'," ("service said icily,) "here, only food. Do you want some more food, _____?" and fill in teh blank with anything from "fatty" to "jackass", or "moron" (or "little idiot boy/girl".) And, occasionaly, "poor, stupid, fat little idiot boy/girl who is a jackassed moron." Waiters, however, should very pleasantly and carefully offer to remove or put on diners' coats, dliver and replace food and dishes to and from the table, perform singing on special occasions at request, and (occasionally) hand patrons along with their bills envelopes, bearing the petrons' titles and last names, which are stuffed with between five and twenty one-dollar bills. There should be a smokers' lounge but no eating allowed within. And there should be a smoking section but you have to choose between eating on the roof (in all weather) or eating outside in front of the restaurant, under the awning, at a small, round, cramped table made to seat four with as many as twelve other smokers who choose to sit there.
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