Gabriel Arthur Petrie (eyenot) wrote in comedians,
Gabriel Arthur Petrie

News Headlines

Dog Dies (source: )
Last Friday in Santa Barbara, California, something occured which will forever change the nature of human life on Earth. Sam, the fourteen and three-quarters year-old "dog", has insert euphemism for perished here, and now many of the world's leading theological experts fear for mankind's future. "This is obviously a sign of the coming apocalypse," says Pastor Rabbi Hatfield Goldstein, a dual citizen of Israel and Kentucky. Some disagree. FBI investigator Lance Glass believes that the source of Earth's future mayhem lies elsewhere. "Something is going on, that's for sure. Just read the news: Ariel Sharon is pushing for a Palestinian state; Harry Potter is growing up; Oprah's going on Letterman; now Sam's dead. Obviously something bad is coming down the pipes, we just don't know what." On the possibility of the arrival of Judgement Day, Glass is skeptical "I highly doubt there's anything religious behind it; Katie Couric has a new boyfriend. Obviously, there is no God." Rabbi Goldstein, however, remains optimistic that Sam's passage will open a new era of hell-like conditions on Earth and the return of the talented duo Christ and Anti-Christ. "Seeing is believing," says Goldstein. When one views Sam's photo, one is almost convinced.

photo of dog Sam whose passing marks the beginning of the pentaholocaust

Katie Couric (source: )
Katie Couric's new boyfriend is making everyone close in her life (Matt Lauer) nervous. "I wish she would stop bringing him to work," says Lauer, "I just don't feel comfortable any more off-camera in the coffee room utility closet with her when he's around the studio." The new beau and Katie have been "getting it on", says boyrfriend, "We bone sometimes." Some say this is proof that anything which passes her lips dies immediately.

photo of Katie Couric with new boyfriend

Some question the taste and sensitivity of Couric's resuming courtship so soon after the disappearance of her former fiancee. "We'll still searching for Bob", says the sheriff in charge of the investigation, "we're almost finished dredging the harbor, now." Couric was not available for comments because her phone is perpetually busy.

photo of Couric with former fiancee

Bush Found (source: )
The President of the United States of America was located Sunday, safe and sound, though "feeling very scared and lonely," according to the White House aide who found him "wandering around in the heart of the Chinese government." Apparently President Bush escaped the White House nursery and left the country for several hours, panicking both the Secret Nanny and Big Brother services that are hired to watch over and protect him. "We still don't know how he unlocked and escaped 'The Crib'," says one unnamed Secret Nanny, "but we know he's in for trouble when he gets back home. No desert for a week, Mister! Bad!"

photo of President George W. Bush when he was finally located

news report Gabriel Arthur Petrie © 2005
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