Gabriel Arthur Petrie (eyenot) wrote in comedians,
Gabriel Arthur Petrie

News Headlines

Dog Dies (source: )
Last Friday in Santa Barbara, California, something occured which will forever change the nature of human life on Earth. Sam, the fourteen and three-quarters year-old "dog", has insert euphemism for perished here, and now many of the world's leading theological experts fear for mankind's future. "This is obviously a sign of the coming apocalypse," says Pastor Rabbi Hatfield Goldstein, a dual citizen of Israel and Kentucky. Some disagree. FBI investigator Lance Glass believes that the source of Earth's future mayhem lies elsewhere. "Something is going on, that's for sure. Just read the news: Ariel Sharon is pushing for a Palestinian state; Harry Potter is growing up; Oprah's going on Letterman; now Sam's dead. Obviously something bad is coming down the pipes, we just don't know what." On the possibility of the arrival of Judgement Day, Glass is skeptical "I highly doubt there's anything religious behind it; Katie Couric has a new boyfriend. Obviously, there is no God." Rabbi Goldstein, however, remains optimistic that Sam's passage will open a new era of hell-like conditions on Earth and the return of the talented duo Christ and Anti-Christ. "Seeing is believing," says Goldstein. When one views Sam's photo, one is almost convinced.

photo of dog Sam whose passing marks the beginning of the pentaholocaust

Katie Couric (source: )
Katie Couric's new boyfriend is making everyone close in her life (Matt Lauer) nervous. "I wish she would stop bringing him to work," says Lauer, "I just don't feel comfortable any more off-camera in the coffee room utility closet with her when he's around the studio." The new beau and Katie have been "getting it on", says boyrfriend, "We bone sometimes." Some say this is proof that anything which passes her lips dies immediately.

photo of Katie Couric with new boyfriend

Some question the taste and sensitivity of Couric's resuming courtship so soon after the disappearance of her former fiancee. "We'll still searching for Bob", says the sheriff in charge of the investigation, "we're almost finished dredging the harbor, now." Couric was not available for comments because her phone is perpetually busy.

photo of Couric with former fiancee

Bush Found (source: )
The President of the United States of America was located Sunday, safe and sound, though "feeling very scared and lonely," according to the White House aide who found him "wandering around in the heart of the Chinese government." Apparently President Bush escaped the White House nursery and left the country for several hours, panicking both the Secret Nanny and Big Brother services that are hired to watch over and protect him. "We still don't know how he unlocked and escaped 'The Crib'," says one unnamed Secret Nanny, "but we know he's in for trouble when he gets back home. No desert for a week, Mister! Bad!"

photo of President George W. Bush when he was finally located

news report Gabriel Arthur Petrie © 2005
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My lovely bride was pondering the popularity of Katie Couric ... I explained it simply.

ALL men want to fuck a cheerleader ... and there is one on TV every morning to fanticize about

oh, and I do mean ALL men, every gay man has wanted to nail some cute boy on the cheerleading squad
Couric's not a cheerleader, though, at least not for any team (she could be considered a cheerleader for her 'causes'.)
Poor sad little creature ...

do your research before you respond.
Well, this was an intelligent discussion. Thanks a hell of a lot.


November 28 2005, 20:39:33 UTC 12 years ago

I presented you with a fact in the form of a joke, you said (wrongly) that the fact was not a fact.

Where is the intellegence in that ???

I did love the post ...

and you banned me ... how petulant
Katie Couric is not a cheerleader. Katie Couric is a TV show hostess. And yes, you're banned -- and it's for good! How petulant is that?


November 28 2005, 21:08:17 UTC 12 years ago

and I repeat

Poor sad little creature ...
i don't understand why that guy was banned? you said she wasn't a cheerleader, he posted a picture of her as a young cheerleader, and then you banned him?

that's pretty dick.
sadly (for you), you seem to have missed the point that it was about his bad attitude toward me (and no, it wasn't about couric and no, she is not currently nor has she ever been famous for being a cheerleader. period. that means his delivery was wrong and the joke fell dead, and he still kept on with the insulting content. pleased?)
oh jesus christ, this is already taking more effort than i care to exude, however, since you still don't seem to understand what he was implying, i'll try and explain it to you.

he said, that people wanted to fuck katie couric because she's a cheerleader. he was implying that she's the "cheerleader type." she fits the archetype of what "the typical american male" expects a cheerleader to be, look, and sound like. you said that she wasn't a cheerleader. you missed his implication, thus he aptly responded with sarcasm and disdain. you took offense because you're simple and didn't realize that sarcasm is a form of irony, a highly respected literary tool, consequentially, you, as most "authority" figures do, wielded your power and banned him, subsequently ending the debate so you could feel secure and correct and justified.

you may now commence to banning me too.
he was implying

knock-knock: this is what we call a stretch.

she fits the archetype of what "the typical american male" expects

and I see you're stretching not only for this joker but for all of us, now.

you missed his implication, thus he aptly responded with sarcasm and disdain

now you're exercising selective perception -- he started out with sarcasm and disdain.

you took offense because you're simple--


sarcasm is a form of irony, a highly respected literary tool

i have absolutely no respect for sarcasm which involves elements of dishonesty or hypocrisy, but as you were saying.

you, as most

again, with the stretches! do you have anything not circumstancial?

subsequently ending the debate so you could feel secure and correct and justified.

nice rant. and you rant because you lack the credibility and the logic to accomplish anything else.

and now, for my side of the argument.

his attempt at humor was poor. i was the judge of that. *raises hand*. this is my community, and i do what i like.

okay, i'll try a little harder than that. not only was his humor poor, but his delivery was insulting. and when i argued against his joke, he continued with this insulting manner, thus breaching the barrier there of humor and taking his insult to a personal level. and that was still at the point before any of your cited justifications (above) for insulting me had come to pass!

let me ask you, would you insult the community moderator, in any community, out of a merely egotistical yearning to appear foolish and aloof?

the reason why you were banned (and hence why you had to post anonymously, so let's not pretend that your last comment "you may now commence to banning me too" bears any resemblence to reality) follows exactly along the lines of the above applied to you. you came out of nowhere with the insults, you stuck your nose in where you really had no business (reminder: this is my community) and you did the worst possible thing, you came to the aide or defense of this person with absolutely no grace, no logical argument, and a terrible (and insulting) attitude. rot! rot somewhere far away from my community. thank you.
apparently you hold your title of, "internet community moderator" much more seriously than i previously anticipated and for my grevious breach of conduct and lack of respect (which, of course, you earned since you were the only one wise enough to put forth the effort to complete the daunting task of creating this hub of comedic activity), i duly apologize.

please consider accepting my most sincere apology, as your forgiveness is of the utmost importance to me, oh wise livejournal community moderator.
Apparently, whatever. Whose opinion is going to say I'm "serious" about being a moderator? Find them for me and we'll see how many it takes to get things evened out for you.
Ha, ha, fiunny.
wow, it's dead, this community.

it's like Pauly Shore

what killed it?

Re: hysteria vs. apathy.


12 years ago